Where Do We Go When We Go Neck Deep
9 November 2015, 14:31
Babes it's time that we had a chat. Now we know this could be awkward for you. You might feel uncomfortable, confused or anxious. Its going to be okay.
In fact, you'll probably never read this. And even if you did, you'd ignore us. But that doesn't matter because, in our hearts, we know you hear our prayers each night from the temple of Brendon that we made in our bedroom (essentially a giant cardboard box in the corner with lots of pictures of you stapled to the inside...room for two...)
We know you're proud of what your mama gave ya, and we really appreciate your toned bod and laissez-faire attitude to clothing. Who wouldn't appreciate this?
We're starting to suspect something might be wrong. Could it be the case that you've lost your shirt for good? When did you last see it? Where did you last have it? Do you actually own a shirt? We're not even sure anymore.
Perhaps there is another reason. Was there a burglary at your house? Have you put your shirts on an exceptional long machine wash and it's hasn't finished yet? Or are you trying to win back Ryan by showing off your shiny nips?
If it is the latter, we feel your pain. We all do. But being naked all the time won't bring you both back together...well maybe it might. But, generally speaking, love notes, dinners at fancy restaurants and copious amounts of red wine will do that. We've drafted at least five long-form poems for you to send to Ryan if you need them. #PrayingforRyden
We are always here for you. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on, or you just want to borrow a t-shirt, let us know. For christ sake, just put a shirt on before you catch a cold. It's nearly winter goddamnit.