These WTF Fanfic Ships Are Why We Can't Have Nice Things

17 December 2015, 13:27 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09


By Victoria Pavlova

Unable to even.

Ok, we need to talk about shipping. Shipping, for that lone person out there who's still not aware, means stanning for a particular pairing of your favourite characters that may or may not have happened in the show/book/film/IRL. Cool? Cool.

So with that, we'd like to present to you, some  *cough* unusual ships we wish we hadn't found on the internet that will now haunt your nightmares forever. 

1. Hogwarts/The Giant Squid

This one's for the Potterheads among us, who spent puberty trawling through Drarry fanfic. It's amazing, but pretty nsfw and it features the giant squid monster from the lake making sweet, sweet love to the lonely Hogwarts castle. Truly a love story for the ages.

Best lines include: 

Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and he felt apprehension grow in his kitchen." and "His large eyes stared mournfully at his tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor."

2. Skrillek (Skrillex x Shrek) 

Yes, the Shrek x Skrillex ship is a thing and, oh, what a beautiful thing it is. We'd like to thank the anonymous author of this pic for their contribution to humanity. 


I want them to have beautiful half-shaved green babies. 

3. Bill Nye/Gerard Way/Pepe the Frog

You really can't put a number on true love. This one has it all - humour, romance, jealousy and Gerard Way in green stilettos. While Gerard faces an existential crisis over his eyeliner going wrong in the morning, frog-related intrigue is going on right under his nose. Still a better love story than "Twilight", tbh. 

Best lines include:

My tuxedo feels tight in the booty area."


"Your lover, Bill Nye, is going on a date with Gerard Way tomorrow at Gymboree in the Overland Park Mall," he says, while smudging my stilettos. 

4. Professor Snape x the Teletubbies

I'm sorry. I am so sorry. We can't even post lines from this here, but google it if you're feeling brave. Warning: THIS CANNOT BE UNSEEN and your life will never be the same.

5. John Cena x Odin

Well, sort of. John Cena dies and wakes up in the Norse underworld, where he restarts his wrestling career (natch) and has some weird sexual tension with the Allfather. 

Absolute best line:


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