Why Black Friday Is The Absolute Worst (And How To Avoid It)

27 November 2015, 13:13 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09

black friday
Woodrow Whyte

By Woodrow Whyte

Everyone needs to chill the f- out.

The depressing pandemonium of Black Friday will always be equally horrifying and addictive to witness.

It's like watching the queens of RuPaul's Drag Race, except instead of lip-syncing for their lives, they're laying WWE-style smack-downs on one another for a bargain HDTV. The sheer ridiculousness of the carnage and chaos seen across the news still defies the imagination, no matter how many times we've seen it before.

While we all like a bargain (I basically live on reduced-priced cereal), there is something acutely pathetic about the materialistic excesses of Black Friday. The waiting, the fighting, the stampedes, the injuries, pepper spray attacks, the police interventions; all for a f*cking TV? Really!?!

I mean, who can be arsed with all that? Just give me a slice of pizza and the password for somebody's Netflix's account and that's pretty much my dream Friday. Who are these bargain-crazed freaks?

But why do I and many others find it so repulsive? Well, Black Friday taps into nearly all the traditional 'Seven Deadly Sins'. The lust for shiny, new electronics. The over consumption of products that 99% of the time we don’t actually need: gluttony. The fights are a sign of greed and rage. Pictures of their booty on social media satisfy the envy they used to hold towards others, taking pride in knowing that these products are symbolic of our social status, that they've just been upgraded (in their minds, at least).

The only exception is Sloth. The one thing you can’t accuse Black Friday shoppers of is being lazy.

But when you consider the numerous deaths that have been the result of Black Friday stampedes, it starts to take a really sinister turn. Obviously, nothing is worth the life of another person. But there are other things to consider too. We've made a short list of why and how to avoid Black Friday. Good luck! 

1) Guess what? You don’t actually need 5 egg timers or 7 electric carving knives. Just because something is cheap, it doesn’t mean you need it. Also see: Apple Watch and Apple iGlass.

2) Some people seem to enjoy Black Friday purely for the fight. Why not do it in the traditional way? You could start try getting off with someone's partner or maybe tell your brother you think his girlfriend is a skanky hoe? Just don’t assault old ladies in Walmart because you want to start a Fight Club. You'll be surprise how tough they are.

3) You could end up stealing a vegetable steamer from a child and it going viral. Once this happens, you might as well delete all your social media and live in a cave. 

4) Black Friday is really bad for the environment, as is consumerism in general. How about you the save the planet (and some money) and buy tickets to your favourite band instead? Game consoles last a few years, memories last a lifetime. 

5) Cyber Monday, the online equivalent of Black Friday, is a real thing so you literally don’t need to leave the house to get your precious Xbox. It’s rarely reported on but there are literally thousands of discounted products available online next Monday. Bet you're glad you read this post now, huh?