How To Apologise PROPERLY When The Internet Has Cancelled You

3 January 2018, 16:38 | Updated: 3 January 2018, 16:57

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We don't know about you but last year, it seemed like there was a new celebrity non-apology being issued every week. When the clock struck midnight on December 31st, we hoped for just a second that 2018 would be different.

Unfortunately, it is not. Less than 24 hours into 2018, we had the first controversy on our hands, swiftly followed by one of the most outrageous non-apologies of all time. In case you haven't heard, YouTuber Logan Paul is currently facing backlash from the internet for filming and later uploading footage of a suicide victim hanging from a tree in Aokigahara, the Japanese 'suicide forest'.

After removing the video, Paul tweeted an "apology" that was more in defence of himself than it was an ~actual~ apology and people absolutely ended him over it.

And so here we find ourselves. Why are celebrities and public figures so f*cking bad at apologising? What is so difficult about taking responsibility for your actions, owning up, recognising your wrongs and JUST SAYING SORRY?

If you're struggling, dear celebrities, we've decided to help. Here's what you *should* do and what you *shouldn't* do when writing an apology for being an idiot, as told by the infamous non-apologies of 2017... and Logan Paul.

Step one: Start by saying sorry to the actual person and/or people you have done wrong by.

Something along the lines of "I was wrong, I am sorry", will suffice. Logan didn't apologise to the victim, or their family once in his initial apology. (He later recorded another apology where he corrected himself.)

A good example of a celebrity apology? Chris Hemsworth, who was called out for dressing as a Native American. (It says a lot when the best apology you can find is a man apologising for being mildly racist - the bar is THAT low.) Back in 2016, Chris wrote: "I sincerely and unreservedly apologise to all First Nations people for this thoughtless action."

Clearly and directly apologising to the community he offended while recognising and condemning his actions. That's literally how easy it is. How can you possibly mess that up, Lena Dunham, who didn't directly apologise to the actual woman she publicly discredited?

Step two: Whatever you do, DON'T start your apology with the words: "I'm sorry *if* you were offended."

The absolute WORST thing literally anyone can write in an apology is "I'm sorry if you were offended," because it's not an apology. There's no "if". You HAVE offended, that's why you're being called out. This is your fault, not the fault of those that have been offended.

James Corden's tragic apology over those Weinstein jokes is a great example of what not to do. "I am truly sorry for anyone offended..." But like, if you weren't offended, we're still good and the jokes were still funny, right?

Step three: Take full responsibility for your actions.

You messed up, now what? Take responsibility. What's done is done. Excuses aren't cute, sweetie.

Step four: Don't talk about yourself or hype yourself up.

It's not about you, babes. Logan Paul spoke about himself TWENTY SIX times in his apology. He used his apology to highlight how busy and successful he is and then he used it as an excuse. He also ended his apology with a self promoting hashtag. Using a hashtag in a public apology isn't ideal.

When Louis CK confirmed and apologised for sexually assaulting various women, he lorded himself, justifying his actions by saying how he was able to get away with all this because of how much the women he took advantage of admired him. He also mentions his long and lucky career.

Oh, and he ALSO wrote: "At the time, I said to myself that what I did was O.K. because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first." CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS.

Step five: Try not to completely contradict yourself.

James Corden was called out for making jokes about Harvey Weinstein and the victims of sexual harrassment. He started his apology by saying, "To be clear, sexual assault isn't a laughing matter." Soooooo... why you making jokes then, sis?

Famed feminist Lena Dunham decided to completely dismiss the movement for which she so ardently supports when she defended Girls writer Murray Miller over his sexual assault accuser. Good one, that.

Step six: Whatever you do, don't try and deflect from the shitty situation you've got yourself in.

Don't suddenly decide to announce your coming out after you've been accused of serious sexual assault, KEVIN.

Does everyone know how to apologise now? Good. Bye.