13 Things Only People Who Are Low Key Investigators Know
21 September 2016, 20:32 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09
Knowledge is power.
The internet's definition of someone who 'keeps the receipts': A person who stores and gathers proof of someone's past misdeeds should a situation arise in which one needs to expose a fraud in broad daylight for the sake of a good friend.
Does this sound like you? Yes? Perhaps you should consider pursuing a career as a Private Investigator? Because by the sounds of things, you'd defo shine in the role!
PRO TIP: Always keep the evidence, kids - you never know when there's gonna be an audit. We're talking screenshots, voice notes, anything you can get ya damn hands on!
1) Your camera roll is full of screenshots, isn't it?
There are no selfies; only pictures of incriminating group chats and Instagram comments and you probably have them organised them into their own albums.
2) In fact, you've probably got no memory left on your phone at all.
You've gotta have at LEAST 64GB if you wanna achieve the highest level clearance at Receipts HQ. Wifi and storage, wifi and storage.
3) You've definitely mastered this face.
"I know something you don't know" realness.
4) You're REALLY good at overhearing things you're *not supposed* to hear.
It's how you get most of your exclusive scoops.
5) You've logged a textbook response for when your friend spills some tea that you already knew about.
A key part of being the Chief of Receipts is that you NEVER reveal your hand. Ever.
6) When someone tells you some tea you've never heard, you need cold hard PAPER evidence before you decide to investigate the case further.
You have ZERO time for false leads. ZERO.
6) This is you when your best friend gets invited to a juicy group chat without you.
You've taught those young grasshoppers well.
7) You've probably got one of these investigative pin boards on display in your bedroom.
ALL *claps* OF *claps* THE *claps* RECEIPTS.
8) The first place you always look when Twitter drama goes down is the 'likes', that's where you'll find the richest of receipts.
Standard practice tbh.
9) The 'Sleuth or Spy' emoji is your most used emoji.
You are the walking embodiment after all.
10) You can find out ANYTHING about anyone else and yet, no one knows a thing about you.
Because the last thing you need in this world is for someone to serve you with receipts while you're in the middle of serving them. No sir.
11) Your actual backlog of receipts probably dates back to 354 BC.
We bet you've got receipts on that playground bully from your first year at school, haven't you? So sly, so resourceful.
12) Google Image Search is your home page.
Just incase you need to start gathering receipts on a problematic celebrity... or to catch a Facebook nemesis in the lie of the century. You never know.
13) But the main reason you actually keep the receipts is... so that you can take back those clothes you bought from Topshop.