We Reviewed Brands Of Tissues In Anticipation Of Your Inevitable Meltdown On Valentine’s Day

5 February 2016, 17:25 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09

Woodrow Whyte

By Woodrow Whyte

We reviewed all the tissues so you don't have.

Valentine's Day, or as we like to call it, P*** Off Single People Day, is tough. Real tough. 

We're usually in bed, sobbing LOUDLY, thinking about how awful our lives have become, all the while watching The Notebook on repeat to force all the last remnants of tears from our dry, Saharan body. But when the tears flow, they pour, and when the snot falls, it cascades, so we need some super-strength tissues to get us through this most-blue of days.

For your benefit (but mainly ours) we decided to review tissue brands on their ability to deal with y(our) emotional baggage on Valentine's Day. That's right, we've actually reviewed tissues. Don't say we don't care about you. That's real love.   


'Just Like Your Mama, Thick And Thirsty Is The Only Cure For Tears'

Name: Thick And Thirsty
Thickness: Like a giant anaconda wrapped up in a ball. Dense
Strength: Like John Cena crossbreed with a hippo
Rating: Good for even the most violent of criers. 9/10 tears 

'I'll Huff, I'll Puff, I'll Blow My Nose And Get The Green Stuff All Over My Fingers'

Name: Puff Tissues
Thickness: Like an anaemic flatfish on a diet of dust, air and sunlight
Strength: This wouldn't get me through 10 minutes of The Notebook, let alone the 24-hour solitude fun fest of Valentine's Day
Rating: Far from ideal. 4/10 tears

'You Haven't Found Prince Charming, But At Least Charmin Will Be There For You'  

Name: Charmin
Thickness: Like two hairy bears laying on top of each other
Strength: Like two hairy bears pulling off each...(you get the idea)
Rating: Not bad at all. 7/10 tears

'Like Your Last Boyfriend, Scott Will Disappear Without A Trace, Just When You Needed Him The Most'

Name: Scott
Thickness: Shallow, meek, limp and a giant disappointment
Strength: Strength is NOT leaving me in this MESS by myself so F*** YOU SCOTT! F*** YOU YOU F****** A******! I hope you ROT in HELL!
Rating: I'm not over it. 1/10 tears 

'Kill Those Tears Like An Innocent, 3-Month-Old Lamb To The Slaughter'

Name: Lambi
Thickness: Meaty 
Strength: Can handle vast amounts of snot. Hose pipe tears might struggle
Rating: IdeaL for vegetarians and guilt-free meat eaters. 6/10 tears 

'Yet Another Reason To Leave The EU'

Name: Euro Shopper tissues
Thickness: Average thickness but texture of a plastic bag doused in hydrochloric acid
Strength: The box makes for a suitable missile to throw at happy couples but actual tissues leave much to be desired.
Rating: Get out while you still can. 3/10 tears 

'Kills All The Germs, Shame It Won't Kill Your Loneliness'

Name: Kleenex Anti-Viral Tissues
Thickness: Like pancakes only less edible 
Strength: Tested 5 sobbing fits in these and observed little to no damage to the tissues. Downside; smells like old people.
Rating: A suitable companion for Valentine's 8/10 tears 

'My Tears Are Just Water In The Toilet Bowl Of Life, They Can Be Flushed Away'

Name: ShitBegone!
Thickness: Like a concrete brick 
Strength: Disappointing when in contact with liquid. Solids fine.
Rating: Novelty-value aside, these are a bit sh*t tbh. 5/10 tears