Here's What Really Happens With Your Body When You Lose Your Virginity

29 March 2017, 15:16 | Updated: 19 November 2018, 15:08

Young couple hanging out
Nicky Idika

By Nicky Idika

Let's talk about sex, babyy.

There are a ton of misconceptions floating around when it comes to having sex for the first time. Of course it seems mystical if you've never had sex, but hopefully we can help demystify a few things for you. 

First things first, you're not "losing" anything. 

You might as well train yourself to stop saying that you've "lost" your virginity. Nothing is removed from you. There is nothing taken from you when you choose to have consensual sex for the first time.  

So, what exactly happens to your body when you have sex for the first time? 
If you're a cis-gendered woman having penetrative sex, then your hymen will stretch to accommodate your partner. Your hymen may tear if it hasn't already (by sheer virtue of owning a vagina).

Is it really sex if there's no penetration? 
It's actually super toxic and heteronormative to assume that all sex is penetrative.  If you consider it sex, then it's sex. That can include penetrative and non-penetrative sex. We've all been fed the narrative on TV and in culture that there is one type of sex but that's definitely not the case.


Okay, but what does sex feel like? 

Does it hurt/will I bleed? 
Well, undoubtedly you'll be experiencing some new sensations. Often times any pain or discomfort during your first time can be attributed to you being nervous or tense. That can be the case for hetero and non-hetero sexual activity. For some women it just hurts the first few times. 

If you've ever gotten a piercing you can think of it like that. You're nervous, you tense up, there is a pinch and a bit of a pressure. 

As for bleeding, some people bleed others don't. For some girls there is no bleeding, for other girls there can be quite a bit of bleeding. It genuinely depends on the person. 

How can I make it hurt less during my first time? 
Take it slow. Make sure you're feeling safe and relaxed. In the future, you may have a partner who rushes through foreplay but don't speed through it the first time. It's important to get sufficiently 'warmed up' before your first time.

Should I worry about achieving the big 'O' my first time? 
If you're a cis-gendered woman, the odds of having an orgasm your first time are pretty slim. Let's walk before we try to run. Getting used to sex with your partner and all the new sensations will go a long way towards achieving the level of comfort that leads to future sexual gratification. 

via lovelacemedia

All right, what else do I need to know about my first time? 

Virginity is just a concept invented by the patriarchy.
A woman's worth is not defined by any arbitrary measures of "purity". Who, when, and how you choose to have sex does not reduce your worth. It's perfectly okay to wait until you're married or in a committed relationship, but sex is not a commodity and your value is not determined by whether your virginity is "intact". 

What if he is "too big" for a condom?
He's not.

Is it true you can't get pregnant your first time?

via tumblr

What's the best birth control for a virgin?
Well, there are a lot of different options when it comes to birth control. I wouldn't recommend an IUD your first time around. The pill is reasonable and condoms are 98% effective and readily available for most people. Don't be afraid to bring up birth control with your doctor before your first time if you feel comfortable enough. 

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