Dangerous Woman Songs Ranked By How Dangerous They Are To Your Health
26 May 2016, 14:00 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09
Ariana will cut a bitch.
It's almost been a week (20 May) since Ariana Grande released her new album Dangerous Woman into the world.
Ariana proved her dangerous woman credentials last year when she went on a doughnut licking spree *ahem* and the title track of her new album has become the unofficial anthem for pegging. But just how dangerous is the rest of the album?
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Well, in a very scientific study, we ranked all the tracks on Dangerous Woman in order of the likelihood that they'll result in your hospitalization. Don't ever say we don't care about your health, okay?
1) Into You
This is like the musical equivalent of a honey trap. It lures you in and you can't help yourself. You're falling into her arms. You're in love. You're out of your depth. Cast away at sea. Sinking under the waves. You can't escape. And when she's finally got you where she wants you, it hits. IMMINENT DEATH. You'll be lucky if you get to a hospital tbh.
THREAT LEVEL: VERY F*CKING HIGH
2) Dangerous Woman
The success of this song will ultimately be your downfall. Its euphoric chorus can trick any one into feeling invincible. Like the kid who thinks he can fly after watching Superman for the first time, "Dangerous Woman" will send you into a hallucinogenic episode where you think you're cat woman. Inevitably, you will fall to your DEATH after a misguided attempt at free running.
THREAT LEVEL: VERY F*CKING HIGH
3) Be Alright
Despite the title, you ain't gon' be alright. You're pretty f*cked actually. This song is hotter than a thousand suns and it needs to be handled with great care. Third-degree burns are a real risk. We'd recommend rolling around in a giant vat of sunblock before you even THINK about listening to this song.
THREAT LEVEL: VERY F*CKING HIGH
4) Let Me Love You
A seductress, a con-artist - you need to be careful. She'll put poison in your drink, claim you're drunk and push you down the stairs. Two broken legs and an empty bank account later, you'll be regretting your playlist choices. Very dangerous indeed.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
5) Greedy
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Have you ever been bitch-slapped 50 times across the face in one sitting? Cos that's what "Greedy" is going to do to you. Better get out the frozen peas babes.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
6) Know Better/Forever Boy
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A double hit of the feels. Hospitalisation is likely. Plan ahead by packing a bag of light snacks and refreshments.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
7) Moonlight
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Will legit turn you into a ravenous werewolf. You will be a slave to your most primal urges (sex, drugs, H&M clothing) and, once the day breaks, you will eventually end up in hospital for lacerations to your entire body. There will also be a deep sense of shame as you discover the videos of you going ham in the underwear section of H&M have gone viral.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
8) Touch It
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This song will cause you to have a minor-stroke. It's that f*cking good/dangerous. If a person in your company does suddenly drop to the floor then lay them on their side, remove any restrictive clothing and make out with them until the ambulance arrives. It's what the song was made for.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
9) Thinking Bout You
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You need to dial 999 immediately hun. That, or put the photo album and the bottle of gin down. Either/or.
THREAT LEVEL: HIGH
10) Everyday
Like a tropical disease, you might end up spending a good amount of time in hospital because of this one. It serves you right though for not getting your banger jabs done IMO.
THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
11) Side To Side
While having two dangerous women on one track might seem life threatening, in reality, this song is more like a bad case of influenza. However, we'd recommend the vulnerable get vaccinated, especially if they continue listening to this album in the winter.
THREAT LEVEL: MEDIUM
12) Bad Decisions
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Do you know what bad decision you've made? YOU TRUSTED ARIANA GRANDE THAT'S WHAT. She licked that doughnut, she released "Focus" and now she's released this mess. You won't need to go to hospital but you might need a hypnotist to block this song out of your memory.
THREAT LEVEL: LOW
13) Leave Me Lonely
It's just a bad case of piles. You'll be fine.
THREAT LEVEL: LOW
14) Sometimes
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Low risk levels on this one. There is a possibility that you'll get lockjaw from yawning. See "Greedy" for the remedy for this.
THREAT LEVEL: LOW
15) I Don't Care
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The clue is in the title with this one. We think you'll be alright.
THREAT LEVEL: LOW
