What The F*CK Is Eurovision And How Do I Do It?

13 May 2016, 15:59 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09

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Katie Louise-Smith

By Katie Louise-Smith

"It's basically like the Superbowl... BUT WAY MORE IMPORTANT."

In case you haven't heard, the Eurovision Song Contest is heading to US TV for the first time in its 60 year history and boy, are you Americans in for a treat! 

If you're planning on tuning into the biggest WTF event for the first time this year, we've put together a little 'How To' guide to make sure you live the Eurovision dream to its fullest.

Brace yourselves... EUROVISION IS COMING. 

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What on EARTH is it?

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Believe it or not guys, Eurovision is NOT just a singing competition. It is a ruthless political game involving an elite group of 26 European countries who have emerged victorious from the battleground, also known as the semi-finals. The competition takes place once a year where literally ANYTHING can happen. 

Basically, it's Game of Thrones mixed with The Hunger Games but with less blood and way, way, WAY more glitter. SOUNDS GREAT, RIGHT!?


How big of a deal is it, really?

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You know in The Hunger Games when all the tributes arrive at the Capitol to represent for their districts and literally EVERYONE turns up to watch? That's EXACTLY how much of a big deal it is for the majority of Europe. Last year, 197 million people from across the world tuned - which is funny because literally NO ONE takes it seriously. In comparison, only a measly 115.1m people watched the Superbowl.

Therefore it's just like the Superbowl... except it's WAY WAY more important.


What kind of performances will I see? 


When we say anything can happen at Eurovision, we mean it. Every now and then, a really great song will emerge (Um, hello Loreen's Euphoria!) But if you're REALLY lucky, you might catch a glimpse of some dancing Grandmas. (We literally couldn't make this up. It's meme central.) 

Failing that, International superstar Justin Timberlake will be performing at the live final on Saturday night, so we guess there's that to look forward to.


How long is it on for?

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FOREEEEVERRRRR. And you will never get those 4 hours of your life back.


How do you do it then?

There's two ways to watch Eurovision. You can get your friends together, create a sweepstake and/or a drinking game and live tweet the entire event from start to finish. Make sure you pay close attention to the UK's very own Caesar Flickerman aka Graham Norton (above), whose endless sassy commentary is 100% the only reason we actually watch the show.

The other option? Watch it alone. In your room. Download a few of the good songs and NEVER speak of it again. 


Why haven't y'all just entered One Direction or Adele?!

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What is the prize?

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You would THINK that the winner would be blessed with an IKEA giftcard but no. They get a crappy glass trophy. Seriously. That's it. 


Hold up, why is Australia allowed to take part? They're not in Europe!

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EXACTLY! Australia LOVE Eurovision so they were invited to take part for the special 60th Anniversary. Long story short, they were so good they got invited back. Smh. Smdh.


Will America ever be able to take part?

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No. Sorry about it.



Eurovision will air on BBC One in the UK, and Logo TV in the US.

See. You. There.