Can We Please Talk About The Disappearance Of Frank Ocean
10 November 2015, 17:10 | Updated: 8 May 2017, 17:09
We think we've found him, guys
As any Frank Ocean fan will know, something terrible happened this year.
We were PROMISED a new album and magazine, Boys Don't Cry. On his Tumblr, Ocean confirmed an approximate release date in July. Everything pointed towards a successful, drama-free return from our chosen one, three years after the release of his landmark second album Channel Orange. It was like we were exiting a harsh winter and entering a new, eternal summer. Things were great. We felt ALIVE again.
But then...nothing. Silence. Zero. Fans took it badly. So did we.
Even Adele got in on the drama.
Instead of crying into our Tumblr blog for ad infinitum, we decided to conduct an in-depth investigation into the disappearance of Frank Ocean. We went to places you really ought not go (we drew the line at 4chan because that place is f-ed up) and found stuff that would give you nightmares, mainly because it was Halloween at the time.
We come up with 5 highly-probable theories that explain Frank's disappearance. Brace yourself for some shocking revelations.
1) Frank is lost after a game of Hide and Seek that went terribly wrong.
It started off as a joke between Frank, Rihanna and Kanye. Rihanna slacked it off half way through because she “couldn't be arsed with it” while Kanye declared himself as “the best hide and seek player in the world” and felt he didn't need to prove himself "against a bunch of amateurs”. Rumours are rife that Ocean has hidden himself so well that he's now completely lost. They've all royalty f-ed up their album campaigns so you know this would probably make sense.
2) Joined a cult led by Robert Smith.
Previously thought to be a magazine set to be published alongside his new album, what if "Boy's Don't Cry" is in fact a cult lead by Robert Smith from The Cure. Each member is forced to sing the famous Cure track on repeat for 18 hours a day while poorly applying red lipstick and back combing their hair after every meal. It's literally a “bad religion”.
3) Abducted by Pilot Jones.
What if 'Train-wreck Jones' turned up at his house unannounced, laced his drink with sedatives and then bundled him into the back of her car? He could be halfway to anywhere right now. Someone call the air force right now ffs. We know she cray cray.
4) Abandoned singing career to work in a chip shop.
It's entirely plausible that he's abandoned his solo career altogether and opened a sustainable Fish and Chip shop in Margate, England called Cod Future. Ocean is said to be a big fan of deep-fried fish and is particularly keen on mackerel. Apparently he got a taste for the stuff while touring round the UK and decided that this was his true passion in life. If true, this would really add salt and vinegar to the wounds of fans the world over.