Can You Speak "Riverdale"? A Complete List Of Every Term, Shipname And Fake Brand

17 May 2018, 12:05

Jughead
Jughead. Picture: CW

By Sam Prance

All of the keywords you need to know to fit in with Archie, Betty, Veronica and the rest of Riverdale High...

It's hard to imagine life before Riverdale. Ever since the teen drama debuted back in 2017, we've been obsessed with it. Not only has the hit series consistently entertained us with its hilarious script and incredible plot twists but it's also introduced us to an entire new lexicon.

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From its fake brand names to its unique terminology, Riverdale has its very own language. Not only that but every character has their own unique way of speaking. It's amazing. Here are some of the some of the best Riverdale-isms, gathered in one place, especially for you.

American Excess

Like American Express but way more luxurious. It's the go-to bank for the Lodges, obviously.

The Black Hood

You may think that the Black Hood is just your average neighbourhood serial killer but in reality they are so much more. Not only do they seek to cleanse Riverdale of its "lies, secrets and sin" but they are also uncatchable. Well until now. The Black Hood comes in many forms and they've currently all been caught but don't be surprised come season three if one is still on the loose.

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Blue & Gold

A student newspaper that Betty and Jughead run and use to expose all of Riverdale's shady shenanigans.

Bosom

Bosom is a normal word but Cheryl uses it more often than a fan fiction writer. Make sure to pepper conversations with it if you want to sound like a true Riverdale local.

Bughead

Betty and Jughead are essentially the Serena and Dan of Riverdale. We are obsessed with them.

Choni

Choni may sound like a pizza topping but they are actually Riverdale's hottest same sex couple. From sharing clothes to breaking each other out of gay conversion camps (more on that later), no love is purer than Cheryl and Toni's.

Daddy

Riverdale law dictates that all teenage girls must call their fathers 'daddy' no matter how dirty or bizarre it may sound.

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The Dark Circle

A cult set up by Archie and his friends to protect Riverdale from The Black Hood. It was originally known as The Red Circle before it disbanded and got back together in secret without Archie. Scandalous.

Darkness

It is currently unknown if "darkness" is a widespread Riverdale epidemic or something that only the Coopers possess but Betty, fake Chic and Hal have it in spades. The specifics of it are also unclear but if Betty is wearing a wig, engaging in BDSM or experimenting in webcamming, the darkness is almost definitely upon her.

Falice

FP Jones and Alice Cooper are the greatest "will they, won't they" couple of all time. This is not up for debate.

Five Seasons

The hottest hotel in Riverdale. Why have four seasons, when you can have five?

Fox Forest

Where Kevin goes to cruise even though there is a mass murderer on the loose.

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Glamazon

Like Amazon but more glamorous.

Goblin

Popular insult used by Riverdale icons like Cheryl Blossom.

Greendale

Riverdale's neighbouring town. Home to child predator Miss Grundy and the infamous icon Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

Grind'Em

Like Grindr but for Riverdale. Not as popular as cruising in Fox Forest though.

Ho Zone

A strip club that doesn't get as much attention as its name deserves.

Innuendo

A gay club that Kevin refers to as 'tragic'.

[Insert Name]-Kins

It is commonplace in Riverdale to add '-kins' to the name of anyone you love or feel some sort of affection for. Archiekins and Daddykins are notable examples.

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Jingle Jangle

Jingle Jangle may sound like a long lost demo from a Mariah Carey Christmas album but it is actually a highly addictive elicit substance. Not sure how to fit in when you move to Riverdale? Just reference jingle jangle a couple of times and people will think that you've lived there for years. Don't take any though. To quote Riverdale queen Toni Topaz, it's a "total gutter drug".

Justin Gingerlake

The greatest nickname of all time.

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Make Your Bones With Someone

When you take revenge on an enemy. Preferably by killing them.

Night Jogging

The Riverdale term for cruising, which is still a thing even though Grind'Em exists.

Papa Poutine

Not a term either but we've included it because it's arguably the greatest character name of all time. Bonus points if you remember that his son is called Small Fry.

Pop's Chock'lit Shoppe

The place where 99.9% of Riverdale's drama goes down. Grab a milkshake and watch it unfold.

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The Pussycats

Riverdale's answer to Destiny's Child. Formerly led by underrated superstar Josie but now fronted by Veronica.

River Vixens

A cheerleading squad so iconic that they have outfits for funerals as well as traditional performances.

Rosie

Stop sleeping on Reggie and Josie.

Seduce Scarlett

A lipstick shade that Betty begins wearing as soon as she starts to embrace the darkness within her.

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Sisters of Quiet Mercy

The local nunnery that specialises in gay conversion therapy.

Southside Serpents

Riverdale's prime gang led by FP Jones. All other criminal organisations found rotting.

Sticky Maple

How gross Riverdale boys slut-shame Riverdale girls by posting photos of them on social media with a maple leaf photoshopped over them. That is until Betty and Veronica take them down with some badass help from Ethel.

Sweetwater River

The body of water that separates Riverdale and Greendale. Also the site where murdered king Jason Blossom's body was found in Riverdale's debut episode.

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Vanity Flair

Vanity Fair but with more flair.

Varchie

Veronica and Archie are teen royalty. Brangelina died so that Varchie could live.

Video Gigolo

Included because "a video gigolo, a webcam boy, a cyber trick" is arguably the best phrase ever uttered on TV.

Weirdo

A derogatory term that Jughead has reclaimed so that weirdos no longer feel ashamed of their weirdness.