97 Thoughts Literally EVERYONE Had While Watching The "Riverdale" Finale

17 May 2018, 20:50

Riverdale Finale Thoughts Recap
Picture: The CW
Katie Louise-Smith

By Katie Louise-Smith

Words I never wanna hear again after this season: Darkness, Bones, Black Hood, Jingle Jangle, Bosom, Papa Poutine, Red Circle, Dark Circle, Mija, Mi Amor, Daddy.

Unless you've been living under a rock, you'll know that season two of Riverdale finaaaally came to a close last night (May 16). And boy, was it an emotional rollercoaster?! 9 months of twists and turns, romances and break-ups, deaths after deaths... If you haven't watched it yet, you're in luck because we did and we had a LOT of thoughts. Very specific thoughts that probably crossed your minds too. SHALL WE BEGIN? *takes a deep breath, hits play on Netflix*

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1) IF FRED ANDREWS GETS HURT AGAIN, I WILL SEE YOU IN COURT.

2) Wheeeeeew, the "previously on Riverdale" segment this week is a LOT.

3) I honestly thought when Hiram joined this show, he was just gonna be like, a low-key problematic DILF who just laundered drug money through his businesses like it was no biggie BUT BOY WAS I WRONG.

4) Alright shhhh! SHUT UP! They're at Jughead's graaaaave. Please don't be dead, I'll do anything, I'll give Hiram everything in my bank account. Please. Don't kil---- OH HE'S ALIVE. WE'RE GOOD.

5) I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to send Lili Reinhart a bill for all the therapy I'm gonna need for all the emotional distress she's put me through with her flawless acting this season.

6) *whispers* ʰᵉ ᶜᵃᵐᵉ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵗᵒ ʰᵉʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳʳ

7) Even in his dreams, Archie Andrews haunts Jughead Jones while wearing that stupid letterman jacket. So on brand.

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8) MY MAN, FP! Forget Jughead, how are you holding up babes? You need anything? Have you eaten? Do you want me to run to Pop's and pick up anything, sweetie? Lmk x

9) Hang on a second... how much time has actually passed? Has it only been 20 minutes? Is this still the same night as the riots?

10) I swear this hospital is in a time warp. Remember when it only took Fred like 3 hours to get over a gun-shot wound? Grey's Anatomy is S H A K I N G.

11) I'm sorry but there's no WAY Jughead escaped 30+ Ghoulies with three scratches on his face and a chunk of skin taken off his shoulder. No broken bones? No swollen eyes? FAKE.

12) FANGS IS ALIVE?! I KNEW IT!

13) Wowww, Hiram lying? For his own gain? Colour me shocked. You know, for an investigative journalist Jughead, you really are terrible.

14) Slow down, FP, dear husband. The trailer park burned down? Come live with me, it's fine. A bunch of Serpents defected? Let them go - they weren't loyal! WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE SERPENTS DON'T EXIST ANYMORE?

15) "And to be there for Betty...” Yes, we must protect baby Coop. Good idea. Great idea. BUT EXCUSE ME - WHO IS PROTECTING MAMA COOP?

16) Betty literally just told Jug her life is in shambles and he's like "GuEsS wE WoN't Be RunNiNg For StuDeNt CounCil AnYMorE?!" Sorry for the inconvenience caused, m8.

17) Hermione Lodge as Eva Peron in the next Riverdale High musical. Make it happen, Kevin.

18) Guys, does Fred even want to be mayor? He seems so over it.

19) So NO ONE is running for student council now? For fuck sake, that's not how it works guys.

20) Can you believe no one listened to Archie when he told us about his double Black Hood theory in the SECOND EPISODE? I'm so sorry, sweetie.

21) Nana Blossom and her young ward Cheryl are the real OTP of this show.

22) Oh, that reminds me... WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BARN WITH DADDY? Did we just forget about that season premiere bombshell? Penelope? Care to explain?

23) IS THAT ZADDY LODGE? CONSPIRING WITH RIVERDALE'S PREMIERE PROSTITUTE AND THE BAD TWIN? OH MY GOD.

24) Side note: I thought Claudius and Penny wanted to end Hiram? And now they're in cahoots? I've suddenly never rooted for the Blossoms so much in my life. #EndHim

25) Cheryl hiding a barrel is gonna be my Halloween costume this year.

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26) Oh here we go... Mama Coop has fucking lost it. She's had it. Officially.

27) The good sis is about ready to open up her own Black Museum of Hal's murder weapons, ransom notes and souvenirs from all his victims. $25 entry, free home-made baked goods on arrival, no touching the displays.

28) PUT YOUR PHONES DOWN, YOU RATS. LEAVE MY MUM ALONE.

29) Oh my god, imagine your husband of twenty years turning out to be a murderer, though? Jesus. #ProtectAliceSMITH2k18

30) Jughead's cuts are healing up pretty nicely, aren't they?

31) Ok, Archie identifying Hal Cooper as the Black Hood is all well and good BUT THE GAG IS - LOCHLYN HAS NEVER WORN THE HOOD ON THE SHOW. BYE.

32) Dear Riverdale Jesus and also Riverdale God, I'm so so so sorry for ever disrespecting Sheriff Keller and accusing him of murder. I take it all back. Can you give him his job back now? Sheriff Minetta sucks ass.

33) Nahhh, we're not having Betty blame herself for this mess. I'm gonna FIGHT.

34) Moose. You deserved better. That's all.

35) As much as I am all in on the Kevin and Moose train, why do all the teenagers on this show get SO horny when they feel sad? Honestly WHAT is going on? It happens every 👏 damn 👏 time.

36) Reggie talking about himself in the third person is my kink.

37) ETHEL? RUNNING AS A THIRD PARTY CANDIDATE? Go away, Ethel.

38) I wonder if the students of Seaside High are terrorised every day by a Spanglish speaking Don Vito Corleone? I bet not.

39) "STRAPPING CONQUISTADOR FATHER." I CHOKED.

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40) Hiram could honestly come home and put a gun to Hermione's head and mi amor would still be like, "Don't be silly, your father wouldn't do that to me, mija..."

41) I would die for that curl on Sweet Pea's head.

42) CAN WE GET ALICE AND BETTY A THERAPIST, PLEASE. I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.

43) FP breaking his sobriety is honestly one of the worst things that's ever happened in this show. I'm heartbroken.

44) HIRAM FIRED HIM? OH, HIRAM BETTER SQUARE UP. I'M NOT HAVING THIS.

45) Oh, so NOW he’s going to Toledo? Was he thinking about Toledo when he so casually invited Alice into his boudoir? I'm guessing noooo?

46) You’re not moving to Toledo, FP... not on my watch. I don't care WHERE your wife and daughter are. They can come here, I'm not going to Ohio and that's that.

47) Sierra McCoy, attorney to the teens.

48) How are all these children paying Attorney McCoy? Is this all pro bono work? Her billable hours are gonna be a JOKE.

49) TALL BOY AS THE SECOND BLACK HOOD?! I KNEW IT! (And I also know that Sherriff Minetta is lying through his teeth. He ain't slick.)

50) POLLY IS BACK. Aaaaaaaand, she's back on her farm bullshit.

51) Alice, grab your coat, we’re going to give Hal a piece of our minds. Pass me the keys, I'll drive.

52) HIRAM IN CHARGE OF THE WHYTE WYRM? OVER MY DEAD BODY.

53) Seriously, if I tried to pull ANY of these stunts on my parents at the age of 16, I'd be either grounded for life or packing my bags and heading to my Nan's house for the foreseeable future.

54) *record scratch, freeze frame* Was that… was that a brief glimpse of Penelope being nice and saving Cheryl from certain death? C'MON PARENTING!

55) Nothing like furiously eating a banana split in a time of crisis, right my dudes?

56) IS FRED HOUSING ALL OF THOSE SERPENTS IN HIS HOUSE???? MY KING!

57) 🚨I FORGOT ARCHIE HAD A DOG. 🚨

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58) A scene with Fred and FP? It's been 84 years. My crops are thriving. My skin is clear. The bees are no longer dying at an alarming rate.

59) Alright if we’re not getting any Falice scenes, I guess an FP and Fred bromance scene will do.

60) THAT’S A LIE - I NEED FALICE. HE'S LITERALLY NEXT DOOR TO HER HOUSE AND SHE IS IN DIRE NEED OF SOME SUPPORT. USE YOUR LEGS FORSYTHE, LET'S GO.

61) (He did not go. Looks like it's gonna be a cold, harsh hiatus.)

62) 🎶Weatherbee ain't shit and he ain't saying nuthin', the Principal can't tell a hundred Riverdale high students in Serpent jackets nuthin' 🎶

63) KJ Apa in a leather jacket has stirred something within me that cannot be unstirred. 👀

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64) "I WON’T BE EATING THERE ANYMORE," lol, ok Jughead, would you like to speak to the manager about this too?

65) VERONICA OWNS THE WHYTE WYRM?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH YES MIJA! MY BUSINESS PLAN QUEEN!

66) Why is everyone so fucking obsessed with Pop’s Chock'lit Shoppe in this show? Is it really that lucrative? It is reaaally the hottest piece of real estate in Riverdale?

67) “I’m looking for an even trade..." Mija, that was not an even trade.

68) No more allowance? Oh my god, Veronica is gonna be poor in season 3.

69) Is Betty trying to implicate that this baby is a murderer in waiting? I wasn't gonna say it but I always knew Dagwood would be the one to snap.

70) Words I never wanna hear again after this season: Darkness, Bones, Black Hood, Jingle Jangle, Bosom, Papa Poutine, Red Circle, Dark Circle, Mija, Mi Amor, Daddy.

71) Get Fred and Hermione back together challenge.

72) WHAT IN THE NAME OF SILENCE OF THE LAMBS?!

73) Two episodes ago, Hal Cooper was just your average cheating all-American mayonnaise husband. Now he’s actual Hannibal Lecter? Is he about to recommend me the liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti?!

74) Like Alice, I too have been hoodwinked by Harold for 25 years.

75) I might regret this statement but: Hal looks sexy with his hair pushed back.

76) That being said, his membership to the RiverDILF’s club has been REVOKED and BLOCKED.

77) Archie Andrews? Student Body President? Groundbreaking.

78) Uhhhh, FP being all serpent-y and leader-y and shit... Fuck me ALL THE WAY up.

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79) Sweet Pea and Fangs deserve the world. The purest baes.

80) Jughead? The Serpent King? Groundbreaking.

81) Get yourself a girl who looks at you the way Toni looks at Cheryl.

82) Some personal news: I have a new religion and it's Cheryl Blossom in red thigh high boots and a red leather jacket.

83) 200 votes?! YOU SEE, KIDS?! THIS IS HOW IMPORTANT IS TO VOTE!!!!

84) The servant’s quarters? What year is this? 1879?

87) ARCHIE HAS COME TO MAKE HIS FUCKING BONES. AND HE WON'T HESITATE BITCH.

89) There’s a basement? In Pop’s? And yet no one thought to hide down there during the riots? Kkkkkkkkkkkk.

90) "YOU PROMISED ME A BROTHEL, HIRAM!" SOMEONE GET THIS WOMAN A DAMN BROTHEL!

91) Alice went to see Hal? AND WE DIDN’T GET TO SEE IT? Writers room, turn on your location, I just wanna talk.

92) No no no no noooooo, we are not getting Alice involved with anyone from that farm. I watched AHS: Cult, Polly... I know what you're playing at.

93) WAIT - IS POLLY CONSPIRING?! IS SHE PLOTTING SOMETHING? DOES SHE HAVE THE DARKNESS?

94) 39 minutes into Riverdale and chill and he gives you that look and asks you to be his "Serpent Queen". Whatever that means...

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95) Again, it's barely been 24 hours since Jughead had his head smashed in. Surely any *ahem* vigorous activity should be off the table for at least a few days?

96) Official petition to get Josie McCoy to sing at the next Superbowl.

97) ARCHIBALD ANDREWS IS UNDER ARREST? WHAT IN THE WORLD?! WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE? SOMEONE GET ME MARY ANDREWS ON THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY. IT'S TIME TO LAWYER UP.

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