Riverdale just broke up THREE couples and everyone is devastated (RECAP)

14 March 2019, 17:49 | Updated: 15 March 2019, 20:03

Katie Louise-Smith

By Katie Louise-Smith

Who broke up in Riverdale 3x15? One taught me love, one taught me patience and one taught me SO MUCH PAIN.

Despite the fact that one particular storyline in this week's episode of Riverdale ('American Dreams') may have created the biggest and most frustrating timeline contradiction of the series so far, there were actually more pressing matters to attend to: three couple break ups.

FP Jones celebrated his 50th birthday 6 years earlier than he should have (someone please make this make sense). Veronica and Toni performed Robyn's 'Call Your Girlfriend' on the main stage at the Speakeasy. Cheryl was not impressed. Jughead found out that his scheming mother Gladys is the town's new drug king pin. He's now plotting to run her out of town with the help of Betty. Archie took down a bunch of nerds and one prison guard/professional hench boi to finally free himself from the mark of death. And Hiram is like, nice now?!

What happens in Riverdale 3x16? The trailer for the 'Heathers' musical episode is here

Luke Perry also appeared briefly as Fred Andrews this week with a bittersweet line said to FP about his milestone birthday: “You don’t get too many nights like this. You’ve gotta soak it up.” (I'm not crying, you are.)

Anyway, perhaps most importantly in this episode though, three couples ended up splitting. Three booms of the cannon. Three fandoms sent spiralling into various degrees of despair. But just how salvageable are those break-ups? Well, one wasn't really a relationship to begin with. Another looks like it's just a break. And the other? I don't wanna talk about. I'm too upset.

Choni, Falice and Veggie all broke up in Riverdale 3x15
Choni, Falice and Veggie all broke up in Riverdale 3x15. Picture: The CW

Veronica and Reggie (Veggie)

As one of our newer ships, it was only a matter of time before Veggie imploded. Ever since Archie went to jail and then went on the run, Reggie has been by Veronica's side. He's helped set up the speakeasy, he's taken part in her schemes, he's also uhh, been there... for her. He's also risked his damn life for her and her illegal underground gambling den so when he asks to be her business partner, you'd expect her to say yes, right? He's given her everything! No.

Veronica rejects him and ups his wages instead. Pressed, Reggie takes matters into his own hands and steals his car back from Gladys, creating another issue for Veronica. When they finally talk, Reggie says he wants to be more serious and then asks if they’d even be together if it weren't for the the speakeasy... she says “probably not.” O-U-C-H.

She hands his keys back (she bought the car back, which was nice, I guess), and that's the end of that. For now.

SADNESS RATING: 4/10 - Reggie deserves better. Will they ever get back together? Not if Archie suddenly becomes single again.

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Cheryl and Toni (Choni)

All that Choni tension that's been bubbling under the surface for the past few episodes finally came to a very hot and a very heavy head (I promise, that's pun not intended but... if the shoe fits) in episode 15 and it was kind of brutal.

After accusing Toni of spending too much time with the Pretty Poisons instead of her, Cheryl decides to try and rob La Bonne Nuit. She breaks in and when Toni finds her, things descend into the most NSFW sex scene Riverdale has ever seen. Varchie shower sex? I don't know her! Bughead BDSM weekend? Never heard of it! We're talking blindfolds, lip biting, other things... Whew!

The fandom collectively lost their wigs at the hook up, but like most hook ups seasoned with anger in the dark basement of a Chock'lit Shoppe, it didn't solve anything. Toni later expresses to Cheryl that she feels like she's losing herself and that she thinks they moved in together too fast, to which Cheryl responds: "Maybe you moving out is exactly what needs to happen."

SADNESS RATING: 6/10 - They haven't broken up, they are on a break. This is not the end of Choni but Toni definitely needs some space. And Cheryl probably needs some therapy.

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Alice and FP (Falice)

In case you've forgotten, Alice and FP are still a thing. Well, they were... until this episode. After approximately one hand hold, two hugs, zero kisses and one sweaty naked bedroom scene that still hasn't really been given any much needed context, Falice are officially off.

After finding out that Gladys bought the Cooper house for FP, the two of them have a much needed discussion. Alice doesn't care about the house but she does care about the fact that FP, who has (we assume) been in bed with her since the summer, appears to be back with his wife who is scamming the sh*t out of him.

Alice asks: "Do you love her, FP?" To which he replies: “She’s the mother of my children.” (To which I scream at the TV: "SO IS ALICE, YA COWARD!") She then asks him if he loves her, and he replies: "Doesn't matter now. It's over. I'm sorry." It's clear that he desperately does not want that to be his answer, but it has to be because he's DoInG tHe RiGhT tHiNg. (He also didn't say 'no'... so... he totally does. It's so obVIOUS. FP loves Alice. Alice loves FP. NOW KISS.)

SADNESS RATING: 17/10 - By my count, that's now THREE times that FP has rejected Alice which is three times too many. And obviously, this is clearly building up to a big season finale cult rescue reunion (WITH A KISS) but at what cost? AT 👏 WHAT 👏 COST?

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Sigh. Can anyone be happy in this town? Can *I* be happy? Seriously? With the news next week that Hiram and Hermione are separating (literally no loss there, I hope they divorce x) and Archie and Josie making decisions about their future (Ashleigh Murray has already left the show for Katy Keene so we know they're breaking up anyway), there's gonna be no couples left in Riverdale. Hal and Penelope? Are they still a thing? If they are, break them up next.

At least we've got Bughead and Tom and Sierra, right?