97 thoughts literally EVERYONE had while watching Riverdale season 3 finale

17 May 2019, 23:26 | Updated: 20 May 2019, 22:15

Katie Louise-Smith

By Katie Louise-Smith

Question: How did we go from Betty skinny dipping in Sweetwater river to her almost having a lobotomy?

Friends, Vixens, Gryphons and Gargoyles cosplayers, the moment is upon us. The Riverdale season 3 finale is here and it just surpassed all expectations.

This episode had everything: Fighting, poison, great gowns, beautiful gowns, huge character deaths, huge character reveals, a fake baby, a sinister game of Spin the Bottle and one plot twist flash forward that absolutely no one saw coming.

Riverdale season 4: news, spoilers, release date, cast, trailers and everything you need to know

If you haven't watched the season 3 finale yet, you're in luck because I did and when I say I had a lot of thoughts, I mean I had a LOT of swearing, incoherent and shouty thoughts. Thoughts that no doubt crossed your minds too. So, without further ado, let's relive that twisted finale episode together, shall we?

***SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3, EPISODE 22 ("SURVIVE THE NIGHT") AHEAD*** 

Riverdale 3x22 recap
Riverdale 3x22 recap. Picture: The CW

1) I'm warning you now, if I hear the words Red Paladin, Fizzle Rocks, endgame or Ascension Night, I will be pressing charges and you will be hearing from my lawyer.

2) Jesus Christ, the recap alone has already exhausted me, I think I just blacked out.

3) Ok. Before we start, if Jason Blossom really is alive, I'm gonna launch myself off the nearest roof.

4) I'm glad Toni managed to escape but honestly? I would rather be getting prepped for illegal surgery than sitting down for high tea with my girlfriend's despicable mother.

5) Aaaaaand there we go. Poisoned. It's been three seasons, haven't you people learned your lesson not to consume anything when Penelope Blossom is around?

6) Toni getting screen time, BUT AT WHAT COST!!!

7) Feel like pure shit, just want her backstory x

8) FP'S GLASSES ARE BACK! THE MOST IMPORTANT SEASON 3 PLOT LINE OF ALL!

9) Question: Has FP actually done any Sheriffing since he got this job? I feel like Jug has really been pulling all the weight here. Hope they're splitting the wages x

10) A LOBOTOMY? THEY'RE DOING A LOBOTOMY ON BETTY? How did we go from skinny dipping in Sweetwater river to a LOBOTOMY?

11) Oof, never thought I'd be so happy to see Evelyn burst into a room.

12) Wait - did Evelyn just called Edgar "dad"? Aren't they married?! IS THIS SOME KIND OF KINK? You know what, I don't wanna know. I would like to unsee it.

13) Uhhh, why does Penelope want to buy organs in bulk? What is she doing? SHE GONNA FRANKENSTEIN JASON?!

14) You know, when season 3 started, I honestly didn't anticipate Jughead spending this much time in a brothel.

15) "HER KID JASON?" I'm gonna... no! STOP IT. HE CAN'T BE!

16) It's Chic. It has to be Chic. That little shit went out and bought some Garnier Nutrisse hair dye in the shade "JJ" and has been posing as Jason this whole time. I won't accept any other explanation.

17) Ok, I know I said Edgar was hot but... I'm a different person now than I was 8 episodes ago. He can absolutely, 100%, choke.

18) "Sister Alice"? Once again, isn't she your... fiancée? (I literally just dry heaved. I'm sorry I had to type that out for you all to see.)

19) WHY IS EVERYONE SO OBSESSED WITH ASCENSION NIGHTS? I AM SICK OF IT!

20) Ohhhhhhhh my god has Alice finally snapped? She's not brainwashed?! After all this time? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

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21) OPPULENCE! Veronica! Owns! Everything!

22) Ms Veronica beat her dad at Monopoly and she didn't even have to steal from the bank. I could never.

23) Archie really went from worrying about what song to sing at the Jubilee to owning a whole gym, huh? I guess we've finally laid that music vs. sports internal debate to rest.

24) Archie: "Mom! I own a lucrative business now!" Mary: "Cool - SO HOW ARE YOU AND VERONICA DOING?! YOU NEED ANYTHING? SNACKS? A CONDOM?"

25) Confirmed: Mary Andrews is a bigger Varchie shipper than Veronica.

26) Not gonna lie, I wish someone would drop a neatly wrapped gift box with a couture gown and some instructions for an elaborate game night on my doorstep.

27) Say what you want about Penelope Blossom, but she really hooked those kids up with some nice threads. That's the nicest dress Betty has ever worn.

28) Is this a thing now? Every season they just decide to unveil another piece of Blossom real estate? What next? The Blossom Abbatoir?!

29) "I bought you from Mr Evernever?!" EXCUUUUSE MOI?!

30) Is that what she meant when she said she wanted to buy organs in bulk? As in, she wanted to buy Betty's whole body? I can't. I can't do this anymore. It's gone too far.

31) AGA- SISTER WOODHOUSE?! SHE'S ALIVE? FUCK!

32) If someone doesn't kill Hal Cooper soon, I'm gonna have to do it myself.

33) CHIC! THANK YOU!!! I KNEW IT!!!

34) "Since when does Chic have red hair?" It's fucking hair dye Veronica, look it up.

35) Penelope did all of this because she was pressed no one came to save her from the Blossoms? Petty!

36) MOCK HER? I'm sorry but Hermione literally stuck up for her back in the day and she started a fight instead before running off to Clifford.

37) SHE WAS BEHIND THE BLACK HOOD TOO? Christ, I need to lie down.

38) If all this Gargoyle nonsense was Chic from the jump, then what did Hiram and Tall Boy have to do with any of this?

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39) What are Kevin and Fangs doing? Why do they always look like they're doing couples yoga at a spa retreat every time they're on screen?

40) "His innards collection!" LOOOOOOOL

41) Oh sweet Jesus, is that... JASON'S DEAD BODY IN THE WHEELCHAIR? I rebuke it! I rebuke it in the name of the Lord!

42) I hope this show is providing some throat sweets for Lili Reinhart and Madelaine Petsch given how much they've had to scream this season.

43) And the award for Best Line of Dialogue goes to: "Don't forget, I've survived a real bear attack, remember..."

44) "Tell my mum and dad I love them." I'm not crying, you are. 💔

45) This fight is honestly, without a doubt, the most batshit insane thing I've ever seen on this show. AND I'VE SEEN A LOT.

46) Can't believe Archie, a 17 year old who started boxing like 3 weeks ago, just managed to take down an 8ft tall man dressed as a bear.

47) Sister wife Alice, baby, what is you doing? What is your plan? Let me help you!

48) OMG THAT ACTUALLY WAS JASON IN THE WHEELCHAIR. I'VE OFFICIALLY HAD ENOUGH!

49) Betty and Veronica are gonna be so good at college pre-drinks, I can tell.

50) ALL the chalices were poisoned?! Wow, she really said fuck them kids!

51) WE INTERRUPT THIS STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS TO MAKE AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: They're playing Billie Eilish's when the party's over.

52) Varchie are having a moment! Someone text Mary Andrews, I bet she's so gassed rn!

53) Get yourself a boyfriend stupid enough to kiss you after you've just downed 3 glasses of cyanide-laced blue Powerade.

54) ALICE AND CHERYL!!! ALICE AND CHERYL!!! IT'S BEEN 84 YEARS!

55) Why are the babies the same age there were in season 2? Shouldn't they be walking and committing their first crime by now?

56) An Alice and Cheryl mother/daughter relationship? I would like to see it!

57) Cheryl's number one stans Nana Rose and Toni really are the most underrated duo on this show.

58) Oh, Chic got ripped?! YO FAKE JASON, LEMME TALK TO YA.

59) How did it take 25 minutes for Archie, a somewhat experienced fighter, to kill that bear man but it took Jug like 2.5 seconds to beat Chic, WHO HAD AN AXE?

60) Where is FP in all of this by the way? Did Jughead not think to let his SHERIFF FATHER know his whereabouts?

61) Toni calling Cheryl 'baby' RT if u agree.

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62) I'm sorry, can we all just stop to look at how awful this fake baby is.

63) NANA ROSE KNEW ABOUT THIS FOR MONTHS?! AND SHE NEVER TOLD ANYONE? Oh, you shady bitch.

64) Oop! Betty's serial killer gene jumped out! Bang, bang!

65) SHE JUST- PENELOPE REALLY JUST SHOT HAL IN THE HEAD? HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

66) Let the record state that the last words Hal heard before he died were someone calling him "useless." Perfect.

67) Betty's storyline in season 4 better be nothing but therapy. Honestly.

68) I'm sorry but it has to be said! Penelope Blossom serving looks and multiple costume changes while plotting the twisted demise of four teenagers really is a whole mood.

69) Me: The sun does not rise that quickly give me a BREAK. Also me: OMG GOOD LIGHTING ON RIVERDALE I'M SHAKING!

70) I think this is the first time I've seen Betty in the daylight since episode 5.

71) Oh wow, that archery boot camp Cheryl forced the Pretty Poisons to do is really paying off!

72) Cheryl dressed in that red cape with arrows on her back and a bow in her hand is my religion now.

73) Have you ever seen anything sadder than Kevin Keller crying because no one thought he was worthy enough to commit cult suicide? :((((

74) OH NO. WHERE DID THEY GO? DID THEY DIE?

75) WHERE IS ALICE? WHERE IS SHE?! FP GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW. THIS IS A DEFCON 1 SITUATION.

76) Bruh, did Betty just lose both of her parents within the space of an hour?

77) CHERYL. WHAT THE FUCK.

78) PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME, CHERYL. CHERYL!!!

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79) Hate to see it but Hermione deserved that. She really thought she could attempt to kill Hiram and get away with it? Sweetie...

80) How is Hiram allowed to stay in his own prison? With a full on breakfast spread and a private gym? Is that allowed? I'm googling it.

81) Seriously, why is he so obsessed with Veronica? Leave her alone! Get a job!

82) I would very much like to ask Mad Dog if he would like to run away with me and get married.

83) OH THANK GOD. THE FBI ARE HERE. It's about time.

84) So you're telling me that the FBI have been monitoring Edgar this whoooooole time and did nothing?

85) And they knew about the organ harvesting? Kevin literally lost a kidney! WHAT THE FUCK?

86) WHAT! ALICE HAS BEEN UNDERCOVER? I- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

87) MISSING: MY WIG!

88) Should we be putting both Mädchen Amick AND Alice Smith forward for Emmy, SAG and Golden Globe consideration this year? Because that level of method acting, for that long of a time? The Meryl Streep of Riverdale. Truly.

89) So wait, wait, wait... what you're saying is: FP is the Sheriff and Alice now works for the FBI? SOMEONE START WRITING THE FAN FIC NOW!

90) OH MY GOD HE'S- HE'S CHARLES! I CAN'T BREATHE! THIS IS ALL I'VE EVER WANTED! NO ONE TOUCH ME!

91) ALICE AND FP REALLY CAME THROUGH WITH THOSE GENES! LOOK AT HIM!!! HE'S STUNNING!

92) Jughead's whole life just flashed before his eyes when he realised that him and his girlfriend share a half-brother. I have to laugh!

93) Veronica literally has 75 extended family members, why is Smithers her legal guardian?

94) OMG IS THIS A FLASH FORWARD? WHY ARE THEY IN THEIR UNDERWEAR?

95) WHY ARE THEY COVERED IN BLOOD? WHO DIED? IS THAT JUGHEAD'S HAT?

96) WHERE THE FUCK IS JUGHEAD?

97) WHERE THE FUCK IS JUGHEADDDDDDDD?!!!!

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