73 thoughts literally everyone had watching Riverdale's Thanksgiving episode
22 November 2019, 15:03 | Updated: 27 November 2019, 23:30
If 'Papi' is gonna be the new 'Daddy' then I am logging off forever.
Following an emotional Independence Day and a dramatic AF Halloween, Riverdale served up a wholesome-ish Thanksgiving this week in one of the shows' best episodes to date. (No, seriously, it was brilliant. And I'm not just saying that because Alice and FP finally kissed.) (Maybe I am.) (Whatever, mind your own business.)
Season 4, episode 7, titled 'The Ice Storm,' saw Cheryl and Toni dabble in some light cannibalism table banter, Alice and FP cement themselves at the top of Riverdale's power couple rankings and Archie have his life saved by an exploding vat of deep-fried turkey. Oh, and a Bughead sex tape might be about to land on everyone's doorsteps soon too. Yay.
If you haven't seen this week's episode, or simply just want to relive the moment where FP Jones nearly kills Hiram Lodge with a bottle of his own house label rum, here's an entire recap as told by the thoughts that ran through my mind – and probably all of yours too. Ready? Let's go.
1) Starting with a scene at Fred's grave? I wasn't expecting to sob so early in the morning but here we are.
2) This year, I honestly think I'm most thankful for Molly Ringwald and KJ Apa.
3) WHA– HIRAM is MAYOR now? HE GOT OUT OF JAIL LIKE TWO DAYS AGO. IS THIS EVEN ALLOWED?
4) Did NO ONE else want this job? No one at all? Veronica couldn't call in ANY favours? A mysterious acquaintance from New York? The icy mother of one of her fellow teenage business owner friends? One of the Clintons? SMH.
5) How old do you have to be to run for office in Riverdale anyway? Like, 12? Jellybean could do with making herself useful. She has my unwavering support should she decide to run.
6) Hermione Apollonia Lodge (neé Gomez) in that all red outfit? I'd like to press charges, your honour! A serve of that magnitude should be illegal!
7) Is that Darla? From season 2? Not again, bitch. Not again.
8) Oh, there's a country club in Riverdale now? When did we bloody decide that?!
9) Jughead staying in his dorm over the holiday instead of going home is Big Broke Uni Student Energy. I can relate.
10) Also, not being funny, being alone in halls is genuinely terrifying but whatever your kink is, I guess… Couldn’t be me though. Could NOT be me.
11) To be fair, there's less chance of you and your girlfriend bumping into your respective parents making out in the kitchen if you stay at school anyway so...
12) No, but seriously, a weekend of conspiracy theories and murder mysteries really does sound like a great romantic getaway.
13) Cheryl getting gassed over a category 4 ice storm and the possibility of her dead uncle's eyes being 'gobbled up by salmon' is... honestly the most precious thing I've ever seen?????
14) When Toni fell in love with Cheryl, do you think she was expecting to end up living under the same roof as two dead bodies and a creepy haunted doll in a sailor's outfit?
15) *record scratch* *freeze frame* I bet you're wondering how Toni ended up in this situation.
16) As IF that made up country club would send their entire kitchen stock to a random boxing gym/community centre at such short notice on Thanksgiving. AS IF!
17) Hiram Lodge is not cancelling Thanksgiving... WE'RE CANCELLING HIRAM LODGE.
18) OK EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP! The Alice and FP content I've been waiting for since April 13, 2017 is about to happen.
19) I hate to say it, I hope I don't ridiculous but... FP's glasses really are the best thing that's ever happened to me.
20) I honestly didn't think I'd live long enough to see Alice and FP fixing drinks at home and talking about Thanksgiving dinner plans together.
21) "Look at us! Hey, look at us! Look at us! Who would have thought? NOT ME!" - Falice shippers this week, after the last 3 seasons.
22) Remember when Alice told FP to get the hell out of her neighbourhood? And now he’s like, most definitely all up in her neighbourhood?
23) [The next 9 thoughts have been REDACTED because they are absolutely not suitable to publish on the internet.]
24) If they think they can stop me from complaining about the complete and utter lack of relationship development between these two by giving me scenes like this then they are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. Carry on. You have my full attention.
25) 8 minutes into Falice and chill and she gives you that look and tells you the house is empty.
26) Anyway, where did Jellybean go? Back to Toledo with Gl*dys? Where's Charles? Why haven't the twins had any Thanksgiving screen time? WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE TWINS?
27) Feeling v sorry for whichever overworked and underpaid housekeeper has to clear up that mess at the Pembrooke :(((
28) If 'Papi' is gonna be the new 'Daddy' then I'm logging the fuck off right now.
29) Performance art? At dinner? Oooh, I'm definitely going to Thanksgiving at Choni's next year!
30) "How do you get someone to do something they don't want to do?" I usually go for some subtle guilt tripping and an offer to buy them a couple of pints. BUT OK, JUGHEAD. BLACKMAIL.
31) Secret societies? Christ, if I knew prep school was this fun I would have put a transfer in years ago.
32) What do you think the Riverdale version of Postmates is called? Postpals? Mailmates?
33) OH, SUDDENLY BETTY CAN DO STITCHES?!
34) Betty Cooper: Lock picker, car mechanic, bomb disposal expert and apparent surgical intern?!
35) Actually, to be fair, after 16 seasons of Grey's Anatomy, I could probably hook you up with some tidy sutures too.
36) If you're sitting around writing fake suicide notes together in your free time then you should probably reevaluate your life choices, guys.
37) Mary Andrews after seeing all the drama that goes on HOURLY in Riverdale...
38) FP rubbing Alice's shoulder. Alice rubbing FP's thigh. So blessed, so moved, so grateful. Can't believe this is my life. Never going to take it for granted. Always going to give back. Thank you.
39) Who doesn't love a good salacious drinking game, Donna?
40) Hang on... is this how you lot play Never Have I Ever in the US? Where are the drinks? Why didn't Bret and Jug drink after the first question? Why are they only drinking one at a time? I'm so confused!
41) The first rule of being in a secret society is that you don't tell anyone you're in a secret society, you dumbass.
42) I'm sorry? Dodger is Darla's SON? THEY ARE THE SAME AGE, YOUR HONOUR.
43) VERONICA WITH THE TURKEY FORK!!! I AM YELLING!!!
44) I WANT A PILOT SCRIPT FOR A MARY ANDREWS VIGILANTE LAWYER SPIN-OFF ON MY DESK IMMEDIATELY.
45) What happened to FP being in AA/staying sober? Why does everyone keep handing my mans alcoholic beverages?
46) Alice and FP holding hands under the table. But wow, what a moment, I will never forget. A moment most pleasing to me in my career.
47) Best character development in this entire show? FP going from designated drinker to designated driver.
48) FP punching Hiram like that? I have honestly never been more attracted to this man.
49) "Everyone in this room, hell, everyone in this town knows that you deserve it!" SAY! 👏 IT! 👏 LOUDER! 👏
50) Oh, here we go! Everyone settle in for another one of Nana Rose's batshit insane stories.
51) Oi, when are we getting the teen Nana Rose flashback episode? @ Roberto, plz respond.
52) EXCUSE ME WHAT? THEY ATE EACH OTHER?
53) DID SHE JUST SAY... CANNIBALISM?
54) DID THEY–
55) I know she said this was performance art but I honestly don't know if Cheryl is acting or not...
56) Uh, *wipes tear* Academy Award!
57) DONNA?!??!!? :(
58) FP just took a DNA test and it turns out he's still 100% THAT Serpent King.
59) Can he also tell Alice that she can be RIVW's number one news reporter and a South Side Serpent too?
60) Cheryl and Toni settling down in front of the fire to celebrate a successful murder cover-up. I love them. I love them so much.
61) Not Julian sitting there watching his sister and her girlfriend. Fucking pervert.
62) Wow, almost every couple in this episode is doing it except Varchie. OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!
63) BRUHHHHH, IS THAT A CAMERA? NOOOOOOOO.
64) You mean to tell me that the two greatest teen detectives of our time didn't notice a big ol' flashing red light in the corner of the room?
65) "Dig in everyone, I'm grateful to be alive and to be here with you." I could cry. I could seriously fucking cry.
66) Archie really is such a good boy, isn't he?
67) DODGER DICKINSON. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.
68) Lol, why is President Snow of Panem the Headmaster at Stonewall Prep?
69) Oh, fuck off Bret.
70) "That was the strangest Thanksgiving I've ever had. I pointed a gun at a woman!" Mary, that's just an average Thursday afternoon in Riverdale.
71) That picture of Fred on the wall. I AM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.
72) Miss you Fred. Miss you Luke.
73) A list of things I am MOST thankful for in here on this day: Falice, Choni, Mary, Mad Dog's abs, Hermione's red outfit, the fact that no one died and Gina Torres, who is playing the therapist these kids should have been given 2 season ago in the next episode.