69 Thoughts Literally EVERYONE Had Watching The "Riverdale" Premiere
11 October 2018, 19:57 | Updated: 12 October 2018, 13:58
"FP Jones wearing those glasses has stirred something within me that cannot be unstirred."
We returned to Riverdale three months after the events of the very dramatic season two finale. Archie is on trial for the murder of Cassidy Bullock (he didn't do it, your honour!), Betty is doing everything she can to avoid her cult-worshipping mother and sister and Jughead is officially in charge of the Serpents. Oh, and people are dying already! Ahhh, it's like we never left.
If you haven't watched the first episode of the season yet, you're in luck because we did and we had a LOT of thoughts. Very specific thoughts that probably crossed your minds too. SHALL WE BEGIN? *takes a deep breath, hits play on Netflix*
***SPOILERS FOR SEASON 3, EPISODE 1 AHEAD***
1) Betty and Veronica have already had a more productive summer than I EVER have in my entire life.
2) Making plans, socialising with friends and NOT wasting the entire summer holed up in a bedroom binge watching TV shows on Netflix? CAN'T RELATE!
3) Riverdale season three will henceforth be known as: the season of ~sweat~.
4) Seriously, this whole scene gives new meaning to the phrase "see you court, sweaty."
5) Look, I know we're meant to be rooting for our boy Archie but this prosecutor lady has made SEVERAL POINTS. I'm sorry, dear boyfriend but you are UP for elimination.
6) DID SHE JUST-- DID SHE CALL NICK ST CLAIR AN "INNOCENT BOY"!? OBJECTION, YOUR HONOR! PROTECTING AN ATTEMPTED RAPIST!
7) Ooooh, did y'all just see that Falice eye contact? DID YOU SEE IT? I saw it. I felt it.
8) I hope they've been having a nice affair over the summer. It's what they deserve. (I also hope we get to see it. It's what we deserve.)
9) LET THE RECORDS SHOW THAT MR ARCHIE ANDREWS IS A ˢᵉⁿˢᶦᵗᶦᵛᵉ ᵐᵘˢᶦᶜᶦᵃⁿ
10) I can't believe Andre's messy ass has got us into this situation. This is all his fault.
11) Actually, it's Veronica's fault for stopping to have a chat with Cassidy while they were out shopping at the lake.
12) It is literally everyone BUT Archie's fault. #FreeTheRiverdaleOne!
13) Is Mary Andrews actually allowed to defend her son, by the way? Is this not bias? Conflict of interest? The jury will hate this? Why isn't Sierra leading the defence?
14) I just googled it. Apparently you can represent your own family in court... the more you know.
15) "All the prosecution has is cloudy testimony from unreliable people..." aaaaand several thousand dollars worth of hush money from Hiram Lodge.
16) HOT DAD OF RIVERDALE™ ALERT: Sheriff Keller looking like a whole snacK in a button down and fitted jeans. It's a YES from me.
17) No one asked for your opinion, Hiram.
18) FRED PUNCHING HIRAM IN THE FACE? MY DEBTS HAVE BEEN ERASED, MY SKIN IS CLEAR, THE BEES ARE NO LONGER DYING AT AN ALARMING RATE!
19) There he is: the mysterious Ben returns. Wonder if he's actually going to make an impact this season? Can't believe he's still alive tbh.
20) Cheryl walking into Pop's in her red serpent jacket, shorts, bralette and heels? BIGGEST DICK ENERGY.
21) Hello? Is that the CEO of Netflix? Yes. I'd like to order a six season docu-series of Choni's cross-country motorcycle expedition please.
22) And I'd also like to know when and how Cheryl learned how to ride a motorbike.
23) Oh here we fucking go. EDGAR THIS, EDGAR THAT. Please, Alice... I really don't have the time.
24) "Can I just say Mr Andrews, watching you punch Hiram Lodge in the face was..." HOT. The behaviour you exhibited was ICONIC like. The legend jumped OUT.
25) Archie finally spending time with his dad to fix the Jaloppy. I'm sobbing.
26) All these serpents and yet Hiram is the biggest snake of all.
27) Hermione really does look how I feel. Sick of Hiram's bullshit.
27) FANGS AND SWEET PEA? I THINK I HEAR SUM'N!!!
28) Do the Serpents have long sleeve and short sleeve jackets with patches for all weather occasions?
29) OH MY GOD FP WEARING GLASSES I CAAAAAAAN'T WHERE DID HE GET THEM FROM???
29) Sweaty FP wearing three layers of clothing in the height of summer with those old man glasses on has stirred something within me that cannot be unstirred.
30) Between those glasses and the throwing of the gum... Skeet Ulrich wants me dead. I know it.
31) Also, why is he still drinking? Forsythe, please. Think of our children.
32) Literally anyone: "H--" Alice: "EDGAR RECOMMENDED THIS ORGANIC WHEATGRASS INFUSED HERBAL TEA TO ME LAST WEEK AND IT'S CHANGED MY WHOLE PERSPECTIVE ON LIFE. EDGAR SAYS YOU SHOULD TRY IT."
33) "Dr Glass" is 100% fake, isn't he?
34) Polly, my dear, I like you better when you weren't here.
35) Josie and Sweet Pea? I'd like to book suite on board this ship please. #SweetPussy is rising.
36) Kevin wanting to get laid by Halloween is a whole mood. Also, didn't know we were making sex pacts on Riverdale now.
37) If Thornhill burned down to a crisp, how is Cheryl's nice red velvet couch still in one piece without so much as a fabric singe?
38) Cheryl talking to Toni about her suicide attempt. I'm in my feelings. Don't touch me.
39) The Ghoulies have done a lot of shitty things but stealing a dog and starving it is by far the worst. (Noah fence, Jughead.)
40) THEY'VE HAD HOTDOG SINCE RIOT NIGHT? THAT WAS THREE MONTHS AGO! FUCK SAKE.
41) 20 minutes into pool party at Thornhill and chill and he gives you THAT look.
42) Fred and Mary are the best parents in Riverdale, they don't deserve this.
43) "I'm a prisoner, Veronica. But I am not his puppet." CAN THE HOT DADS OF RIVERDALE™ ADD "SAVE HERMIONE" TO THEIR LIST OF THINGS TO DO PLEASE. I'M BEGGING YOU.
44) Say what you want about Jughead but if my mans went to that much trouble to save the life of a dog? I’d marry him on the spot.
45) CHERYL! DOESN'T! MISS!
46) *whispers* Cheryl really is the best thing that ever happened to the Serpents, huh? Wow, her impact!
47) Nice to see that FP still has Alice's mugshot on his kitchen wall 😏
48) MENTION EDGAR ONE MORE TIME, ALICE AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL PRESS CHARGES.
49) When Edgar finally posts up, we're going to be having words.
50) Betty wearing Jughead's hat. I'm weak.
51) Can't believe it took Varchie a whole half an hour before they had sex in this episode.
52) We are now three for three on Vegas appearing in each season premiere. A blessing. An honour. A privilege.
53) Dilton... please bore someone else with your... questions.
54) ARCHIE WHAT THE FUCK!!!!
55) HE DIDN'T EVEN DO IT! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU BOY!? WE COULD HAVE GOT YOU A BETTER DEAL!
56) Vegas will never know why Archie isn't going to come home and it's just so selfish that he would make such a rash decision like that because it's just really unfair on the dog. First Hot Dog, now this. Why didn't he think about the dog? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE THINK ABOUT THE DOGS?
57) Hot Dads of Riverdale™ are about exact their revenge on the other Hot But-Not-In-The-Hot-Dad-Squad Dad of Riverdale. I'm sweating.
58) This is Veronica's punishment? EXCUSE ME? Can't you just ground her? Stop her allowance? Change the wifi password? Why you gotta send her mans to jail? You're doing the most Hiram, please stop.
59) Jughead really out here solving everyone's problems, huh? That Serpent King job seems like far too much hard work for me. And it's not even a paid position.
60) Uhhh, is that a map? This is literally the plot of Stranger Things, isn't it?
61) What the FUCK is going on in here on this day?
62) DID THEY JUST SACRIFICE THEMSELVES? TO THE GARGOYLE KING? WHAT?
63) BEN IS FOAMING AT THE MOUTH. DILTON IS DEAD. Ohhhh my god, what is happening?
64) WAIT, NOW IT'S THE BABY BURNING CEREMONY. Wonder what Edgar has to say about this?
65) OH MY GOD I DIDN'T THINK WERE GOING TO DROP THE BAB-----
66) WHAT TH--- ARE THEY? DID THOSE BABIES JUST FLOAT???? IS THIS A DREAM?
67) AM I WATCHING AMERICAN HORROR STORY: COVEN?
68) Wingardium Levi-OH-HELL-NO-sa!
68) IS BETTY HAVING A SEIZURE?
69) WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK?